Welcome back to another installment of the Video Game Medical Journal of Injuries. Yeah, that’s a real thing. Joining us again is of course The Doctor to give us his professional opinion on all sorts of bodily damage done to our virtual avatars. If you missed our first episode check it out here.

Case 1: Dying Light

Injury: Baseball bat to the face

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Alex: Thanks again for joining us, Doctor.

The Doctor: Not a problem.

Alex: So let’s get right into it, first up we’ve got some damage done to everyone’s favorite virtual punching bag: the zombie.

The Doctor: The subject’s clearly in an advanced state of decomposition, maybe two weeks or more.

Alex: Yeah that’s not something you smell every day, a whole city of un-embalmed corpses. The Zombie Apocalypse will no doubt be the smelliest apocalypse.

The Doctor: I’d say so, bacteria and fungus eat away the body after death; the results are, needless to say, unpleasant.

Alex: But we’re getting off topic, what kind of damage is that baseball bat doing?

The Doctor: Plenty. The skull and facial bones are shattered, the intro-cerebral contents are splattered; decomposition helps by making all the tissue and brain matter soft as pudding.

Alex: Care to speculate on what could cause a zombie virus?

The Doctor: …No

 

Case 2: The Darkness II

Injury: Spine and skull pulled out of ass

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Alex: *Pop*!

The Doctor: What is that? Some kind of tentacle?

Alex: It’s a demon-tentacle.

The Doctor: Un-huh, right.

Alex: Let’s stick to the medicine, what’s happening here to this guy’s butt?

The Doctor: The demon tentacle enters the anus and penetrates the cerebral spinal fluid, the dura mater and into the spinal canal. It fastens onto the lower vertebrae and pulls the entire spine, spinal cord and brain out through the rectum. The colon of course is destroyed.

Alex: That looks like a skull to me, not just a brain.

The Doctor: If it is it couldn’t get out of the body without first displacing all the internal organs, breaking the pelvis and leaving a gigantic skull-sized hole in the anus.

Alex: What would the head look like without a skull in it?

The Doctor: Picture an empty Halloween mask.

Alex: I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

 

Case 3: Bioshock: Infinite

Injury: Skyhook to the face

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The Doctor: What happens to the baseball?

Alex: I could explain but I’d have to use a bunch of made-up words like “alternate universes” and “physics”.

The Doctor: Well back in reality the subject’s nasal and facial bones are pureed. The left globe and orbit are ruptured.

Alex: Is “pureed” a medical term?

The Doctor: In this case it has to be, that machine thing takes most of his face off; the pituitary gland, the brain stem and the circle of willis are all penetrated.

Alex: Talk about a headache.

 

Case 4: Uncharted 4, A Thief’s End

Injury: Grappling hook dismount
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Alex: Now that’s what I call sticking a landing.

The Doctor: There don’t appear to be any broken bones but a 180 pound man falling on you from ten feet will do some damage.

Alex: He punches him too, don’t forget he punches him.

The Doctor: Okay, one at a time. From the fall: multiple rib fractures, bilateral lung contusions, liver laceration and a ruptured spleen. From the punch: blow to the head causes cerebral concussion, knocking the subject unconscious.

Alex: It’s a win by knockout for Nathan Drake.

The Doctor: Nathan who?

 

Case 5: Walking Dead Season II

Injury: Face smashed in with crowbar

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Alex: This was probably the most brutal video game injury of 2014, so of course it made the list. Doctor? If you please.

The Doctor: Blunt trauma to the left orbit with rupture of the globe (eyeball). Fracture of the orbit and cerebral contusion.

Alex: I’m actually more concerned about the girl here, what kind of psychological damage is she experiencing?

The Doctor: Post traumatic stress disorder for sure.

Alex: Most Telltale games could be described as “PTSD – The Game”.

 

Bonus Round: The Beatles Rockband

Injury: Use of Lysergic acid diethylamide, the mind-altering drug commonly known as “acid”

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Alex: Just how much LSD are The Beatles taking at this point?

The Doctor: A lot, apparently.

Alex: What effect does LSD have on the brain?

The Doctor: The drug acts on neurotransmitters in the brain that use serotonin, particularly in the pre-frontal cortex, that’s the part of the brain that controls mood, perception and cognition.

Alex: And the part that controls your ability to make awesome music. Is this what it looks like when you take LSD, like do you see all the kaleidoscope stuff?

The Doctor: It does affect your perception, making static objects appear to animate. Colors can be more vivid and sounds more clear.

Alex: Any side effects?

The Doctor: Mustaches.

Alex: Yes, the fab four look quite furry at this point in their career. Remember kids, only losers do drugs. Losers and literally the most successful musicians of our time.

Okay, that’s all for now, post your requests in the comments below and maybe The Doctor will field some medical questions about your favorite video game injuries.

About The Author

Staff Writer

Alex is from New York, is a graduate of Columbia University's Graduate School of Journalism and once played a Call of Duty Deathmatch against himself.