The coffee machine at my local gas station has removed the Pumpkin Spice slot and replaced it with Peppermint Mocha. Which means one of two things, either winter is upon us or there was a coffee based war in the gas station and Pumpkin Spice lost. Either way it’s that time of year where clueless parents, or in my case broke friends, try to get their gamer in their life something they will actually enjoy this Christmas, regardless of thier age.

Kids (12 and younger)

Ahh! The innocence of a doughy eyed little child, yet to commit their first drive by or chainsaw their first enemy soldier. Nothing but hearing songs about building snow men, and shows about John Dimaggio and a boy wandering the post apocalyptic wastelands or whatever the kids are into today. Looking to preserve that innocence? The games below will help you do that and keep the kids happy this Christmas.

Rocket League (Multiplatform)

Combining all the fun of soccer with aerobatics and various tricked out cars, Rocket League is fun for kids of all ages! It’s currently available on PlayStation 4 and PC and is due out on Xbox One in early February. Rocket League has a few party modes like the newly added Hockey Mode so the game never feels stale as teams of three or four face off to get points. Since I’ve told you everything except the price I may as well tell you how you can blow your kid’s friggin’ mind with this gift. So you wrap an old Amazon box up in wrapping paper and place it under the tree. The kid comes out all eager and rips the paper off and opens the box and sees a note you placed in (if it were me on one side I would write HA HA HA in Joker handwriting) it says “Go to the console”, So in a suspicious blunder they run to the console and see a new game downloaded and viola for only twenty bucks you look like a badass parent.


Spiderwick Chronicles (Last Gen Consoles)

I absolutely adored the Spiderwick Chronicles as a child and while the game sadly doesn’t follow the books it does touch base with the moderately entertaining movie from a few years back. From what I remember though the story goes the three children arrive at their grandmother’s house (I don’t remember the exact parameters as to why) and they slowly begin to realize that the bumps in the night aren’t just the old house but various forms of monsters the kid must fight against. It was a very entertaining series of books and you can snag the game now for as little as ninety nine cents on the Wii and up to just five dollars on other consoles.


Teens (12 and up)

Finding games for a teenager is a bit like skirting your way through a first date, at least that’s how I compare it. You want them to have a good time but if you get too violent or swear than the evening is ruined and you stop by a liquor store on the way home and wonder where you went wrong. So to avoid all that try out these games below.

Skate (Last gen consoles)

If your son or daughter like the overly laborious activities that are extreme sports but like me lack all motivation to get a skate board and actually try to ride it than have I got a game for you! Just to clarify I don’t lack all motivation, get a few drinks in me and I’m like “screw it let’s ride!” In any light, the Skate series only gets better with each entry. While you are pretty much stuck on the board for the duration of the first game, in two and three you are free to get off the board and run. Which allows you to set up and do some very entertaining tricks. You can grab any one of the games now for as low as five dollars.


Alan Wake (Last Gen Consoles)

One of the best horror games of the last generation of consoles would make a great gift this holiday season. Following the author Alan Wake through a psychological horror filled trip through small town America. Join him as he shines a light on and blasts darkness with a shot gun all in search for his kidnapped wife. I don’t want to spoil the game, but I highly recommend getting it for that horror fan in your life. You can snag it now for as low as ten dollars.


Dark Souls II (Multiplatform)

If you’re a parent similar to my dear old padre, you occasionally find it funny when your kid gets a little frustrated. Not to the point where they go Full Metal Jacket but seeing that single tear tastes like victory. So in the name of passive aggressive revenge get that special teenager in your life one of the hardest franchises in gaming. Take joy as they die over and over again and the anger visibly rises slowly, as their grip clamps down more aggressively on the controller until SNAP! They break the controller and you get that small sense of satisfaction that comes with antagonizing a loved one. You can get that satisfaction now for only fifteen bucks.


Adults (17 and up)

If you’re above the age of seventeen (or for me, twelve) then you get to enjoy all the delicious blood, violence, sex, and swearing that M Rated games bring us! Not sure which hedonistic adventure to get your loved ones this Holiday Season? Take your pick from the games below and you can’t go wrong.

Ultimate Action Triple Pack (Just Cause 2, Sleeping Dogs, Tomb Raider) Xbox 360, PS3

Just Cause 2, Sleeping Dogs, and Tomb Raider all in one bundle for twenty dollars. All of these titles offer endless hours of entertainment. Just Cause 2 is a massively open world action adventure game featuring one of the best weapons in a game, the grappling hook. Imagine, if you will, car-surfing down a huge freeway, shooters flanking you left and right, you shoot one end of the grappling hook into a shooter and the other into the concrete now he’s tethered and probably has internal bleeding.


Sleeping Dogs is a game I have mentioned on here before, so I’ll just skim over the story. You play a Japanese cop who is deep undercover in the Yakuza, the Japanese mafia. As the game goes on it becomes a little harder to manage the two as separate entities and at least in my play through the Yakuza took hold of me and I never looked back.


Tomb Raider is, of course, the reboot of the series that came out on the Xbox 360 and PS3 a few years back and is now available on current generation of consoles. The game follows Lara Croft on one of her earliest adventures in the world of archeological tomb raiding. As she learns just exactly what she is capable of doing to survive. Meanwhile, she needs to keep her friend from being sacrificed to please some ancient angry goddess.


Dying Light (Current Gen Consoles and PC)

Combining all the fun of free running and zombies Techland’s Dying Light is a must play for any fan of undead based horror. The co-op is an absolute blast, I never thought I would have that much fun running on roof tops being chased by the undead and riot gear clad thieving survivors. My favorite moment was the first time I ever played co-op. A buddy of mine and I found a supply drop that the main villains men were guarding. I dropped down and began killing the men as my friend provided roof top cover. After they were dispatched, infected began closing in, and my buddy tried jumping down to help. Unfortunately he miscalculated and fell, I heard his scream and turned just as he painted the ground with his insides. It left my sides aching with laughter, grab your running shoes and start sprinting for only twenty bucks.


Tales From The Borderlands (Current and Last Gen Consoles)

The best part about Tales From The Borderlands is seeing the Borderlands universe I love in a whole new way. Instead of having to run around and do all these odd missions that vaguely tie together while I search for loot, Telltale Games presents an incredibly well thought out story. All the choices that you make all lead up to an ending, where your previous choices actually matter and affect the outcome. The characters, new and old, are all pleasantly fleshed out. Troy Baker is enjoyable as Rhys, and Gortys, the lovable Atlas Robot, may very well be the best companion ever written into a game. Her upbeat and genuinely happy demeanor was delightfully refreshing. What will this adventure cost me? Initially nothing, the first episode is free! So that should tickle the peach of every cheapskate parent out there and for those that want to go to the extra mile the rest of the season is only fifteen bucks.


Of course you are always free to buy and distribute these games as you see fit amongst your loved ones. However, if you don’t want to see your loved ones for a solid fifty hours minimum just go buy a copy of Fallout 4, that’s what my family got me this year. So before I slip into my room for the next month to not see another soul for the entire duration, I want to wish everyone reading this and my Gamer Assault Weekly family a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.