A few weeks back an article I was sure was going to tank was put out on the site. Makes Total Sense was met by a widely positive reception, much to my surprise. So here we are again to talk about all the oddities and weirdness we are expected to take at face value as reality in video games. Below are five or so more examples of slightly off kilter things from video games.

5. FLOOR IT!!!! Sh*t I hit a ficus- Most Open World Games

Every one loves to unleash their inner Vin Diesel when playing video games that allow you to drive cars at ludicrous speeds. The only down side to hauling ass like you are in your own version of the Fast and The Furious is when pixelated mother nature has other ideas. We’ve all had it happen, flying down the street without a care in the world cackling as we weave in and out of traffic then it comes out of no where! The one true and fearsome enemy of the car, trees! Rubber screeches against the asphalt, pedestrians scatter, and the character braces for impact, then the character literally sniffs the taint of defeat as they fly end of end bouncing across the street. Worse yet your car goes from moving at thousands of feet per second to a complete stop, how are you going to explain this to the boys at Los Santos Customs as they stare at you soullessly as you flick through the options to fix your abomination. On second thought I’d rather have a soulless mechanic than one who asked a ton of questions, why is there an old lady imprint on your hood? Why do you want reinforced chassis? Why did you point an RPG at me when I said I was going to call the cops? It’s a lot of unnecessary questioning and body burring.

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Should have worn a seat belt

4. Nah I’m Fine, I’m Just Going to Crawl Everywhere- Every Call of Duty Game Ever

I’m surprised this one didn’t cross my mind earlier. Apparently while your guts are falling out and the enemy has given you a few new holes to leak out of, you are borderline super human with your accuracy and it is almost impossible to miss a shot while in a fire fight. When this happens to you or I we get the boring old “Ow my spleen” or “Oh now my liver is failing”. Video game characters just get to scoot their firm pixelated booties across the ground on a vengeance run that rivals John Wick until someone comes over and rubs their hands near them like in Left 4 Dead or they get stabbed by an adrenaline needle. Which brings me to my next point.

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All it takes is the will of a single man

3. Poppin’ Pills and an Endless Adrenaline Rush- Left 4 Dead 2

There are a few oddities in Left 4 Dead 2. Why are there enemies that are in this one but not in the first game? How did the first group of characters not know how to use a baseball bat and chainsaw against the horde? Also they literally run through a hospital in the first game, how did they not think to use defibrillators. Some of that can be answered with a few little sprinkles of coincidence. The virus hadn’t mutated to the point of Jockies and Chargers, They had to make the game feel fresh some how, and Francis probably would have zapped the shit out of Louis had they figured out defib units.

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Nothing quite stacks up to the cast staying completely quiet about their new addiction to pain killers. When my ugly mug or any of you for that matter take pain killers en masse’ we get a wonderful thing called a stomach ulcers, among other things that could go wrong, like butt hole cancer. When the casts of both Left 4 Dead games take them it just endlessly perks them up so they can frolic along gleefully murdering hordes of the undead. The same thing goes with adrenaline, when we take too much of it our little artery clogged hearts run the risk of literally exploding in our chests, just like Papa McDonald’s wants. When the lovable hick Ellis takes it he just gets all tingly and sprints like that kid in college who has a problem wit drinking to many Monster Energy drinks, but we don’t talk about that… Ed gets twitchy when we do.

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2. No, No, No Aim For The Other Head- This Happens More Than You Think

While being universally funny, damage to the crotch region for whatever reason or another is generally a good means to stop an attack. Aliens attacking? Aim for the genitals. Cujo going on a rampage? Kick him right in the cojones. Terrorist threatening your homeland? Grab an AK-74 and score some shots on the other head. At least this one has a moderate basis in reality. You and I can completely bleed out and die from being shot at just the wrong angle in the genitals. But take solace knowing when your favorite video game enemies are swarming at you a simple shot to the dong will leave you victorious.

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1.What Exactly Do Trees Poop Out, Pine cones? – Gears of War 3

I honestly didn’t know trees could poop. I mean does it say so in the coveted masterpiece and novelization ‘Everybody Poops‘? I realized while running through Gears of War 3 with my girlfriend recently that the stalks that pop up are essentially giant trees that burst up and poop out enemies via poop sacks on their trunks. Seriously go back and play it and just picture a wet slimy fart every time a new Lambent falls from a stalk. I wish mother nature could really make her trees poop instead of just leaking Canada’s only export. Imagine the potential, the world’s bee population is dwindling? Tree poops out fifty thousand bees and bam problem solved. I suppose it could be rather dangerous though. An oak gets a miss communication from mother earth and the next thing you know five Bengal Tigers are running around suburbia with little kids hanging from their mouths. Eh, I still call it a victory.

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Bonus: Just Bend Your Knees and You’ll Be Fine- Several Games

One of the few things I always do when I get a new game is checking to see if there is fall damage. It some how always manages to amaze me when there isn’t. If you and I were to fall from a huge building we would blow out both knees and spend the rest of our lives in a wheel chair. Hell most of us could do that jumping out of the tail gate to a truck but for a lot of video game characters they just do the super hero landing or just make sure their feet are far enough apart and viola they can keep running. I really am jealous of this if I jump out of a truck at work I spend the day limping like Tallahassee after he kicks the shit out of a mini van. Maybe I should try the super hero landing.

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Other Bonus: THE DRAGON IS…. where the hell did the dragon go?- Overwatch

Hanzo and his little cyborg ninja brother Genji both control dragons via their powers behind their ancestry. Genji’s dragon abilities make his long sword even more deadly as he jumps and slashes, dismantling whole groups of enemies in a colorful display that makes Fruit Ninja feel inadequate. Older brother and closet murderer Hanzo, his dragons fly out of special arrows and send out a huge swirling wave of dragons that can decimate teams given the right circumstances. Well I mean when little Hanzo can, let’s say, get the dragon out of his den. There is always the slightest chance when Hanzo yells his angry Japanese phrase to unleash the dragons, that nothing happens. He does his whole spin and shout and then nothing, a normal arrow flies out and poor Hanzo is left standing there wondering if they make a pill for his issue.

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Will there be a Makes Sense Part 3?! I have no idea, let me go stumble around in the Arizona heat at my day job and I will get back to you on that. I hope you enjoyed this batch of oddities as much as you all seemed to enjoy the first ones. Feel free to tell us some of the odd things you’ve noticed are just taken at face value in video games in the comment section down below.